Rules of Engagement

As I sit here in the balmy breeze (courtesy of our incredibly handy Vornado fan) I cannot help but reflect on the things I've learned about Panama these last couple of weeks. As the generous nature of the Panameños has rubbed off on its most avid pupil, I would like to share the following three grand realizations as a public service announcement for others.

1. Horn honking means 'hello' or 'hey buddy I am currently in your presence.' The normally mild mannered and gracious Panameño promptly transforms into demi-demons on the road but do not confuse them with the uber-demons, the buses. The average diver Honks, lewdly accosts streetside Panamanian women with showers of light and inappropriate banter, cut off other members of traffic, all while sublimely making veritable new lanes of traffic. But meet them in a party and you would swear they were overflowing with more warmth than your grandmothers' minutes-old chocolate chip cookies.

2. For every person you meet, you will come to know 10 more by reputation. In hushed tones, you will discover their last 2 years of personal history, establish their place of work or level connection, and inevitably be subject to the same within minutes. It's a rarity that you meet someone and not have to employ the unique pleasure of feigning ignorance of their history. Furthermore, everything you do or say, inevitably will be discussed at length by at least a chain of 3 people before it finds its way back to you. Therefore, discretion is a must. Sprawling Panama City is for all intents and purposes a small town of 2 million.

3. Psychiatrists here live in a dream-world. Malpractice insurance? What's that? Threat of lawsuit? I hope they enjoy red tape. With an extremely low overhead (i.e. an office and money for a morning mocha) you can have an amazing practice of your choosing. Its quite common for people to work in the public hospitals in the morning and see super-private patients in the afternoon (private of course being a bit of a misnomer here in Panamá). This is all at an absurdly leisurely pace with literally hours for lunch and gossip. With all this there are the obvious caveats of having to know Spanish intimately or be forced to treat solely English-speaking expats. There is also, of course, having to deal with the torrential rainy season. But these seem like milquetoast concerns as compared to the biggest cavea: the two-year internship requirement. For anyone to receive a license to practice in Panama, one must undergo a two-year internship in the wilderness. Think performing appendectomies, repairing fourth degree obstetrics tears, all whilst earning just enough to survive in the jungle and call home in tears. So, while one may easily entertain purchasing a condo here for future respites on the ocean, one should hesitate to consider practicing here.