How a Bus Become a Diablo

Los Diablos Rojos (the Red Devils). This is the name given to those ubiquitous roca* vehicles of congestion and destruction. Panama is replete with them. By replete, I mean that city streets explode with the sound of their surely mistuned engines, pedestrians fear for their lungs on sight of their notoriously nefarious sooty clouds of exhaust, and passengers perilously cram into what little humid space remains inside.

These are the los diablos rojos. As our friend Nando shuttled us across the city for lunch at the...ahem...Rotary Club, we found ourselves discussing these, the very fabric of Panamanian transportation. Nando, a native Panamanian with a Nebraska accent courtesy of an American medical education, explained the process of how a bus becomes a Diablo. Apparently, some incredibly clever (as Panamanians have recently been known to be) businessmen decided to begin the import of old American School buses. No no no. Not those new airconditioned buses at the peak of American emissions standards. Rather, the old school buses that you and your parents passed notes on, on the way to school (somewhere between the age of Dennis the Menace and Menace to Society).

First, one must purchase a cupón from the less than transparent government or one of a handful of persons who hold a monopoly on the remaining. After an exorbitant fee one can then begin to purchase and operate a bus. Second, you rent the bus to a driver with the following terms:

1. Congratulations! You, the hired bus driver, may paint the bus to your liking in any naco* style of your choosing! Que chevere!* This includes pastoral scenes of Northern Scotland, the latest B-level Panamanian pop star, or perhaps a memorial to your cousin Tito's death four years ago, but only if these differing styles are employed simultaneously. The aforementioned includes superfluous blue or red neon lights and Bible verses.


2. Congratulations! Furthermore, as operator of the aforementioned bus, it is your privilege to pay me, the owner, $80-$100 a day regardless of your passenger load or what you pay the person who takes the cash for rides. And yes, to preempt any questions, we are aware that you will in all likelihood have to drive 18 hours a day to break even.
   
3. As a bus driver you will also have the unique ability to pay for all the likely repairs that are necessary for your rented vehicle. Should you have a problem with it, "¡Adios!*"

Keep in mind, that a person is likely to own 20 or more buses at a time. Our next obvious question as a law abiding American with little experience with blatant disregard for even the remotest appearance of ethical trustworthiness is how come no one has just paid the drivers what they are worth, provided better buses, and thus encouraged suitable competition.

Nando's big pearly smile widened and belly quivered as he said, "Éste es Panamá (this is Panama)." He explained that the government and cupón monopoly basically vet potential buyers before to make sure that they don't hold dreams of rocking the boat. All this being said, one such individual tried this in the past.

They had gleaming, spotless, air conditioned buses, well-paid bus drivers, well-organized routes, and reliable service. They were out of business in months. Drivers of the battle-tested diablos rojos inexplicably began to find themselves in accidents with these model new buses. Cupón availability dwindled, and the buses were no more. Nando would later explained a word alcahuetería. Given England's relatively lackluster experience with flagrant unscrupulousness, he had to traslate as follows; its basically someone who knows that someone is lying to him or her but allows that other party to continue without protest for whatever reason. Kinda makes you wonder why such words are necessary, or better yet why the British Empire didn't find them so. In any case, "Éste es Panamá." I'll just be sure to stay out of the way of the buses.

*Que chevere - Panamanian slang for 'how cool'
*Roca - Panamanian slang for ghettofabulous
*Cupón - numbered permission license from the government
*Naco - Mexican slang for fashionably tacky; see Ugg Boots